The Koala's Are Cops

Location: Adelaide, SA  Rides: here  

Australia is fucking expensive. In your face expensive. Rodeo-drive-we-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think expensive. You require examples, and I have them, about a few things. Then we can get onto some more meaty stuff about what I have been doing with myself outside of emptying my bank account.


How expensive is it? First, one Australian dollar is worth $1.08US at the current second, but I'll round up and make it $1.10, because then people who are bad at math can hang on. Just multiply everything by 110% and you get the actual suck. Eh, I'll just put it all in US dollars to make it smooth.

A six pack of beer in Adelaide= $22 (only slightly less in the country)
The shirt I am wearing= $53 (cost me $28)
The sneakers I have on= $120 (cost me $69)
A gallon of gas= $6.00 (not complaining, we have the cheapest gas outside of Saudi Arabia)
A double espresso= $5.00
A personal-size pizza= $18+
Any given bike tire= $80-$126

And hold onto your panties, because this really hurt my neck:
My Audi S5 here: $145,000 (that's 230% more than I paid)

Now, I am not one to complain about the price of things, and that's not what I'm doing here, I just find it mind-bogglingly offensive. This commonwealth has a Paris-complex, and even in the small outback towns, where the only thing is wineries and sheep-shit, a carton of beer is $50 and up. And yes, I will continuously site beer as a comparative commodity.

Me and new friends. Im 8th from the right. 
Bicycle Culture: The only thing that does not seem to be priced outrageously, at least here in Adelaide, is bikes. I have never seen a city with more bling-bikes than this place. Not even LA. Everyone has top-end bikes, and not a Trek to be had amongst them. Now, when I have gone on my rides, I rarely actually see anyone riding, but I do see them sipping coffee's and looking very cool.

Wiliers, Orbea's, Merida's, Malvern Star's, Bottechia's, Fondriest's, these seem to be the popular brands. Honestly, very impressive.

But it seems people are actually riding indeed, since there are more Strava segments here than humanely possible. On my humble 50K ride today there were 48 of them, and some ridden by 2,000+ people. It's segment crazy, I tell ya, and no hope for any KOM's, not from this guy, not this day.

Helmet Laws: Australian cops have a hard-on for the helmet law. There will be no leisurely strolls through the park with your kids without helmets. Although an actual sighting of police seems to be scarce in general, if you are riding without a helmet they will descend upon you like a pack of hungry dingoes on a maternity unit.

The long TDU route to Willunga. 
Speeding/Drowsy Driving: This is serious business. While they thankfully don't have billboards of any kind, besides the occasional Macca's (Mcdonalds) on the highway, they will remind you incessantly that driving while fatigued and/or even slightly intoxicated will kill you.

There is no room for wiggle. You will die if you don't stop every two hours. If you are yawning, they will take a picture of you and text you to tell you take a powernap, and the picture of you will be wearing a dunce cap and your eyes will be stitched closed.

If you are speeding, they will have a Koala bear, armed with a speed camera, radar your shit and charge your credit card (I know.) Do not, under any circumstance, attempt to drive without two to three $5 double espresso's in your blood, since I am sure it's the coffee business behind this whole thing anyway.

Short shorts: Required to be worn by both sexes under the age of 30. If you are a woman, it is required that some, small amount of your actual ass cheek should be showing and that the waistband of your pants/skirt be above your belly button. After all, it is 1955.

Ok, that's enough. Don't misinterpret any of this either, these are just observations, not gossiping. I'm just trying to inform you of what you should expect should you plan a weekend get-away here. It'll take you 50 hours or more of travel to do that so plan accordingly.

Leaving that all behind us, I would still live here in a heartbeat. I love the people, and while the driving culture has not yet caught up with the biking culture, it is a heartbreakingly beautiful place to ride. It's been great to see almost every stage of the Town Down Under and the pure enthusiasm that people have for it, considering that the rest of the world barely blinks an eyelid at this race. I love that, and it gives me hope for the sport.

I am moving on here tomorrow, to Mount Gambier and to it's volcanic Blue Lake and hopefully some diving in the Piccaninnie ponds.

From there, I will make the slow crawl along the coast to Melbourne, where I have booked an overnight (11 hours at sea) car ferry to Tasmania. I'll be there for a week, and without wifi, so off the grid completely. I'm very excited for that, to be honest.

I've always wanted to go to Tasmania, and you can blame Bugs Bunny for that.

P.S. Working on another video. Here's a teaser in shitty quality because I have to go to bed, but it's a suspension bridge north-east of Adelaide. Very bouncy. Should come through better in HD once done.


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